I was pushed to the back of my seat as the plane started moving forward and the tears started streaming down my face. Leaving people I love is hard.
Not long after the mountains disappeared below the clouds and we were at cruising altitude, I had already planned in my mind what I would do for the next two months until my entire family was back together again.
- Planning how to throw myself into working out intensely.
- Planning how to eat healthy so I could trim up.
- Planning on how to lose weight.
I was trying to distract myself from feeling the difficult feelings of leaving someone I love by trying to fix myself.
Truth is, I can be the Queen of “Just fix it”. Why? Because trying to fix yourself, slipping into a fix it mentality instead of feeling what is actually going on in the present moment can be an easy thing to do. I would be willing to bet you have done it before too.
If we slip into a fix-it mentality, we don’t have to feel.
Now before we go any farther, I want to define what I mean when I refer to the “fix it” mentality. This is the type of thinking that comes from a place of ‘not enough’ and fear. It tricks you into thinking that things will be better when you fix something about yourself, which could be in your body or any other perceived flaw you encounter in yourself.
While there is a time and place where this type of thinking is vital (escaping a physically dangerous situation or leaving a destructive relationship), that is not the type of situation I am referring to here. This type of fix it thinking is not required for your survival. It is an option you choose to escape what is going on in your life that you perceived as too painful.
It’s a way of escaping yourself, your current reality, and your emotions by turning away. By distracting yourself with a “fix it” mentality to keep yourself occupied. Whatever you are going through feels too big, too painful, so a distraction must be made. Especially if you think you can’t handle whatever is being thrown your way.
But it is only a distraction. A distraction from something bigger going on under the surface. A way of escaping instead of turning inward and facing whatever is coming up. It’s another way to live outside yourself.
So on the plane, as I found myself planning a way to fix the situation, (by planning workouts, healthy meals, and weight loss), I started to notice what it felt like to bring awareness to what was going on. To inhabit the current moment, feel the pain in my body, and let it flow through me.
When I released the idea that fixing myself for the next two months was the best solution, I started to feel what a heart feels like when it is separated from someone it loves, how a chest feels heavy and empty at the same time when it’s sad, and how the sadness can take up space in my stomach.
I began to feel what it was like to be fully alive.
Without the escape of *fixing* the situation, I was able to be where I was. I was able to experience the wide range of emotions I noticed going through my body. Emotions that, once I started to feel them, started to dissipate.
Going from the fix it mentality to feeling and moving through, requires you to turn inward and face your fears. Fears that generally have been built up so high by your mind that they seem much bigger than they actually are.
Inhabiting your body requires you to truly believe you are worth loving, that you can truly take care of yourself, and that things won’t fall apart if you allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are going through.
Awareness is the first step.
If you aren’t aware that you run directly into fix it mode, it is nearly impossible to do anything about it. When you really, truly understand what is going on, you can begin to do something about it from a loving place, instead of one of judgment.
Despite being able to easily fall into the fix it mode, I am still able to bring myself away from taking it a step further. I do not act on it because of the awareness I have. The thoughts I have, just like the thoughts you may have, do not control you. They are merely a sign that something deeper is going on. Your job is to push forward to discover whatever that may be.
No one is perfect. Despite ending the struggle with food and my body, there are still times when thoughts come up that challenge me. But I know now they are just thoughts. And thoughts do not control us. With awareness, curiosity, love for yourself, and the right tools, you truly have the power to dissect the patterns and thoughts that are troubling you. You just have to be open to the process and willing to take it all the way.
With love,
Bailey
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