The other day I had a beautiful conversation with a fellow life coach about perfectionism, how it affects women (+ men!) + why it’s a topic that’s screaming to be understood on a deeper level.
The truth is, perfectionism can be a dangerous tool to keep yourself small.
My struggle with perfectionism has been nearly life-long. Early on, it came in the form of academics and being a straight A student (no matter what, mind you). Then it came in the form of body image and achieving the ideal body for women. That struggle lasted for years.
The more I talk with other women and get their perspectives on the pulls of trying to have it all together, the more I see that this is something huge that many of us struggle with in one way or another.
Thoughts like these are so common with perfectionists:
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- You should be trying harder
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- That’s not good enough
- What are you thinking? That’s so stupid…
So how can we move away from a place of “I should be doing better” and learn how to value + embrace what is? Here are some bold strategies to try.
Shift away from judgment
Implementing a mindset of curiosity instead of judgment is a huge part of starting to challenge the perfectionist thoughts. Instead of being judgmental towards yourself or others, become curious + be dedicated to understanding things on a deeper level.
Thoughts like these can be helpful:
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- Why am I feeling this way?
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- Why don’t I believe this is enough?
- Who am I comparing myself to that makes me feel like I need to be “more”?
Shift away from judgment and become curious, both with yourself and others.
Embrace good over perfect
Let’s just say you had a friend that always felt like her work wasn’t good enough + never actually finished anything because she was convinced it wasn’t perfect.
You watched her over and over sabotage herself, thinking that she isn’t good enough.
If we aren’t careful, perfectionism can truly ruin our dreams. By constantly working towards better + better, we get lost in the hustle and bustle, instead of embracing the goodness in front of us.
Trade that all or nothing thinking for the nice place in between. The place where good is valued more than perfect and done is better than never trying. You owe yourself that.
Move away from “shoulds”
- I should’ve tried harder.
- I should’ve looked better.
- My body should be more fit and trim.
All of these thoughts are what I like to call “shoulds”. They are a judgment (remember those from above?) you make on yourself about why you are somehow falling short of where you believe you need to be.
Ultimately though, they are holding you back in a major way, making you never feel good enough + being in a constant hustle to fix the next thing that’s “wrong with you”.
Work to move away from the shoulds by getting curious about why you believe them in the first place. Then you can start identifying whether you want to continue believing them.
Instead of acting out of “shoulds”, start taking steps that align with your true values. In essence, shift away from “should’s” to value-based decisions that resonate with YOU.
Once I discovered that I thought I should weigh a certain number because that’s what I weighed in high school, I realized that was ridiculous and not nearly as important to me as I was playing it out in my life. That’s freedom.
Embrace feedback over failure
Many times when I failed in the past, that would fuel me to try even harder and be even better. I would jump on the fix-it train so hard that I’d come crashing down weeks later, devastated that I didn’t achieve my new ideal of “perfection”.
The best way to get over this? Start to view failure as feedback, instead of motivation to continue making yourself better.
Ask yourself:
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- What is this failure/lesson telling me?
- How can I learn from this in a healthy way?
- What is the biggest learning I can take away from this experience?
Once you realize that failure is really just feedback + see it as a positive (hey, you tried + that’s huge!), you can start to see the gifts it brings instead of making you feel “less than”.
Recognize your limiting belief
More than once I’ve heard that perfectionism is just holding yourself to a high standard. Some people have even told me that it’s a good thing.
The truth is, perfectionism is a limiting belief that ultimately is holding you back.
By constantly striving, hustling + working for your worth, you miss out on embracing right here + now. Your actual life, once you really start looking at it, can feel enough as it is.
Start seeing how always striving for better + better is a limiting belief holding you back. Keep a journal or diary about times you’ve realized that striving for perfectionism really isn’t in your best interest.
Be your own detective + discover that perfectionism really is a limiting belief you’ve been holding onto and it really isn’t serving you all that well like you’ve thought.
There you go! Those five tips have been instrumental in my own journey beyond perfectionism. By embracing what is, learning how striving for perfection isn’t in your best interest + moving forward, you can start seeing the amazing life you truly have already. Without needing to fix or tidy it up.
Want more? I’ve created a workbook download to compliment these 5 steps, with additional reflections + support along the way. If you’re ready to put this into practice (the only way to move forward!), then you’ll want to grab this freebie + start getting curious about your own beliefs.
Download it below!