I used to be the girl who tried to act confident but inside felt like a complete imposter.
- I would wear clothes I loved in an effort to be confident, but I felt ridiculously silly and insecure when I actually wore them out in public (the opposite of confidence, right?!).
- I would state my opinion (very infrequently, might I add!) but would gauge other people’s reactions and let that dictate how much I’d share in the future.
- I’d alter who I was and how I acted in certain situations to match those around me, instead of being true to who I truly was.
The truth is, not many of us know how to approach it in a way that feels genuine, am I right?!
The thing about confidence is that when you have it, you really don’t think about it all that much and you really don’t care. You live completely outside your head and truly don’t give a frick about what other people think of you.
Almost every week, someone approaches me and expresses a desire to feel more confident. And most of the time, it sounds something like this.
- “I want to feel more confident about my body as it is right now.”
- “I want to be who I truly am without caring what other people think.”
- “I want to start taking ballroom dance classes by myself (eek!) and have fun while doing it!”
Confidence looks amazing and appealing from the outside but when you have it, you generally don’t notice.
When you are up on stage singing your heart out or breakin’ out some moves on the dance floor, are you really thinking to yourself “wow, I’m so confident right now…I’ll have to think about how I got this much confidence after this”?
No. Absolutely not.
In those moments, you are head-bangin’, grinning ear to ear, crazy dancing, and truth-talking all the way. You are out of your own head, completely living.
So how can you feel totally confident without feeling like a complete and utter fraud?
(Aka, please don’t let anyone notice that I’m really actually insecure while I am doing fill-in-the-blank…..hey we’ve all been there!)
1. Own who you truly are
To truly own who you are, you need the courage to see yourself in a true and raw way. It requires you to get curious about what you like, what opinions you hold, and what values are important to you.
Confidence relies on being true to yourself and then authentically sharing that person with the world. So start by discovering who you actually are.
You know who has the most confidence? The person who is unapologetically themselves without caring what anyone else thinks about it. They own who they truly are and are proud of that person.
Here’s an example for you. I love dogs. Like really, REALLY love them.
When I was younger, I had this giant book of dog breeds that I would study every single day. For fun, mind you. I was obsessed. Then, as I got a little older, I thought liking dogs wasn’t cool and I was embarrassed by it. I completely rejected that part of myself.
That was around the same time I started to really struggle with feeling good enough and was in a constant battle with my body. Coincidence? Probably not. I started repressing a part of myself that was a strong part of me.
It has only been very recently that I have embraced the part of myself that is a huge, dorky, dog-loving person. I talk to my dog like a baby, squeeze her into big hugs, and can occasionally act completely silly running around the house playing with her. It’s true. And I’ve owned that about myself, even if it looks weird to other people. The key to confidence is truly not caring that much about those other people anyway.
Practicing owning who we truly are, even if it is as small as being an over the top dog lover, is a huge confidence builder and it allows you to start practicing how you can show the world who you truly are (that’s confidence, babe!).
What is something about yourself that you have been hiding or are afraid to show the world? Own that and be true to you. Confidence starts and ends with being completely + totally who you are. Not who you think you should be and not who you want to be. It is who you *already are*. Embrace her and watch the magic happen.
2. Set boundaries
How often have you done something because you felt like you had to, not because you truly wanted to? How much fun and confidence did you exude while doing it? None? I thought so.
Become aware of what you are and are not okay with. Setting boundaries is a lot like owning who you are. It is a stepping stone to confidence because it gives you the power and self-assurance to know that you can take care of yourself and get your needs met. It’s empowering.
When we set boundaries and stick to them, our confidence soars. We are able to tell people how we feel, what we want, and what we need in a confident way. Without feeling like we are doing something wrong or letting someone down.
But boundaries can be really hard to establish. They take time and work.
One of the biggest roadblocks to feeling confident in my own life was how other people reacted when I was acting confidently. I was so caught up in what someone else was thinking that I felt self-conscious and started feeling like a fraud.
And of course, when you start feeling like “who am I to be confident”, you suddenly find yourself not acting confidently anymore. Imagine that. It wasn’t until I put a boundary on that person by not allowing myself to be bothered so intensely by their opinion, I was able to be who I was and feel confident most of the time.
Boundaries have the power to help you live confidently. Why? Because you know you can take care of yourself and give yourself what you need, even when things are hard.
3. Understand your fears + how they are holding you back
Being confident means putting yourself out there. It means stepping into the arena of life and truly living. And that is some scary, sh*%, am I right?!
Fear of being seen for who we truly are and being judged is a universal thing. It’s absolutely something we all can relate to. But, being able to look that fear in the eye and do something anyway is how we practice confidence.
What are the fears you are holding? Do you fear what people will think of you? Or maybe your fears are related to not being good enough (that certainly used to be me!).
Whatever they are, they are just that. Fears. They are not real and can’t jump out of thin air to get you, no matter how much they try to convince you otherwise. Get really curious about some of the fears you have about being confident and putting yourself out there. What is really going on and how is that fear holding you back?
It wasn’t until I discovered that I was *way too* fearful of other people’s opinions of me that I decided I didn’t want someone else to dictate how I felt. Or how I lived my life.
Hello, confidence.
Fear only subsides when we do something about it. You can’t think your way out of it and it does no good to pretend it isn’t there. Fear does exist, you just need to spend time with it to discover what it’s really about and then do something about it! Show your fears they are wrong and allow yourself to live confidently.
4. Have courage
Recognize that confidence comes *after* you do something. You need to have the courage to test it out and strengthen it.
Confidence is like a muscle. And the more you use it, the more you have. Practice doing something you were previously fearful of and notice how you feel afterward. What does that feeling feel like in your body? Hello, lady…that is confidence. Continue to create opportunities to test yourself and step out of your comfort zone. Have courage and enjoy the feeling of confidence that follows.
There you have it, oh confident one! Four easy strategies to implement for confidence without feeling like a fraud.
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